I just received the following, more information to come:

Are you someone who experiences little or no sexual attraction or desire?
Maybe you identify as an ‘asexual person’?
Or do you feel that the word ‘asexual’ describes you in some way?
We’re a group of researchers from Sussex and Glasgow universities and we are looking to talk to people about their everyday experiences and the life events that have shaped them.
Please contact Liz on 01273 87-8883 or to get some more information about the research.

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Looking for Aces in Hartford, CT

A sexuality teacher in Hartford, CT is interested in having aces speak to her class about their experience being asexual. Let me know if you’d like me to pass on your contact information to her. If you’re interested or would like more information E-mail me at


Posted in Asexual, Asexuality, Awareness, education, Sexologist, Sexuality | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

This Journalist/Photographer wants to do a piece on Asexuality

I received the following e-mail and it sounds like a great idea for a project, you can post responses below or contact the Laia Abril through her website.


My name is Laia Abril, I’m a journalist and photographer from Barcelona (living in Italy), who have developed many project about LGTB community in the past, as you can see on my website:

I’m very interested in the asexuality, and I’d love to be able to develop a project in order to make people understand better what it means to be asexual.

The idea is to portrayed people in their places, single, couples, groups of friends… and eventually to record a short interview with few questions.

But actually, I’m very open to suggestions and see how people suggest me other options.

I’m based between Italy and Spain, but willing to develop this project in London (all UK under consideration)

It would be so helpfully to me if you can spreed the word and giving me some advices in my research.

Thanks again,
all the best,


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So Drake University’s DragMag is doing a piece on asexuality…

So I was contacted by a student at Drake University who is doing a piece on asexuality for DragMag, I’ve included my answers below (they’re ridiculously wordy, as usual). I have also forwarded her questions to several other researchers, medical professionals and sexologists who I thought would be good people to ask (we don’t need more professional quotes like the one in the article, am I right?). Whether she will choose to use my answers or go with one of the more prestigious people I recommended is yet to be seen, either way I don’t think my answers are the only important answers and, for the article, I think the more input from people who identify as asexual as well as those who study it the better so please feel free to chime in via the comments or to use the form at the bottom of the post, the responses from which I will forward to the student writing the article.


1.What is your advice for a young person who thinks they may be asexual?

My advice for all young people (or really, people of any age) who are contemplating their orientation(s) is pretty much the same: There may be times when what you’re feeling changes and there may be times when you just realize that the word you’re using to describe what you’re feeling changes.

When I say that feelings or labels may change over time I absolutely do not mean “you’re young so you’re just going through a phase!” The way we think about ourselves and the way we think about labels and the way we feel about people can change during a life time and that’s natural. There are young people who identify as asexual and then decide that isn’t the right label for them but there are also people who grew up identifying as gay, straight, bisexual etc and finally realized that asexual was the word they’d been looking for all along! Some people figure out the labels that describe them best when you’re young and never feel like those labels no longer fit, others experience a little more fluidity, neither experience is more valid than the other.

The long and short of it is this: Labels don’t define you, they describe you. If you feel like a label describes what you’re feeling right now – and if that’s what you’re trying to convey via your orientation label(s) – then use it. I do believe that, at least in theory, everyone is capable of experience both romantic and sexual attraction to individuals of any demographic – it just happens more often for some than others. But if everyone ran around identifying as pansexual… well then, what would be the point of using labels? That would make labels even more useless than they already are.

2. What are common misconceptions about asexuality?

That all asexuals are women, that we’re really just prudes, that we’re all going through a phase, that we must have just gotten out of a terrible relationship, that we must have a hormone imbalance, that we were sexually abused as children, that we must not ever masturbate, that we must masturbate a lot, that that we must be sex negative, that we must be virgins, the list goes on. Two things stick out at me when I hear most misconceptions about asexuality, first, that they are mostly arguments that have been used to disprove the legitimacy of other orientations and gender identities (which is part of the reason I’m always so surprised to hear members of the LGBT community use them without a hint of irony); second, these misconceptions depend pretty heavily on all people who identify as asexual being pretty much the same (young women who are sex negative virgins who were probably sexually abused, apparently*[edit below]) when both research and anecdotal evidence from just about anyone who has been involved with the larger asexual community suggests that we are as heterogeneous as most other groups – men and women of all ages, people who have chosen not to make sex part of their relationships and people with children, people who are sex negative and people who are sex positive, people who were abused and people who weren’t, people who do have hormone imbalances and people who don’t, people with very high sex drives, people with very low sex drives and everywhere in between, very much like in other demographics. There are people of all orientations who have been abused, but to deny them the right to self-identify because of it seems particularly cruel. There are people of all orientations who have hormone imbalances, who are not neuro -typical, who have any other number of non-normative qualities, none of that negates their right to self identify and to have their identity respected.

3. How has the medical community’s opinion of asexuality changed over the course of your career?

As I have not completed my degree I don’t have a sexological “career” to speak of but I have been involved with sex education for about eight years and when asexuality comes up I’m not usually surprised by the questions or responses I get from people not involved with sexology who I don’t expect to be familiar with the concept or the community, but I have been surprised that the more I pay attention to where people are getting misinformation the more I find out it is from other sexological professionals. I have a very short list of professionals to whom I refer people who identify as asexual who would like to see a sexual health professional because I’ve found that, in regards to asexuality, many professionals treat it the way homosexuality was once treated by medical health professionals – that it is unnatural, that it needs to be cured, that if we could just figure out what’s wrong with us we would realize we were really some other orientation – which is terrifying. Every misconception I mentioned above is something that I have heard other sexual health professionals say in a public forum, and that’s scary. I’ve heard the argument that there’s just not enough research on asexuality (which doesn’t stop people from making things up, apparently) but I think that’s also kind of the beauty of the existing research on asexuality, you could spend a weekend reading all the available studies and be pretty well versed in the research (though it would take a little longer to learn about the asexual community, since we are more than just study participants) – it isn’t like homosexuality where there’s tomes of papers and bookstores full of books that you would have to read to get a decent perspective of homosexuality. You have a week to write this article and through your school you probably have access to all of the journals in which asexuality research has been published (and if you don’t, I’ve made excerpts available  on my website, let me know if you’d like me to point you in the right direction for finding them). I guess the short answer, if there is one, is that I haven’t really noticed a change at all – there are some people who are asexual-positive, some people who aren’t familiar with asexuality and so don’t take a position (or learn about it as needed) and some people who are not familiar with asexuality but choose to pathologize it anyway. I can only hope that the distribution of people in those groups starts shifting toward the positive.

4. What are some things a college community could do to help accommodate asexuals?

Being a sex-positive campus, I think, is one of the best things any campus (or community) can be (no surprise from the sexological student, right?). Being sex-positive doesn’t just mean promoting sex as awesome, it means respecting people’s right to self-identify, to respecting people’s decisions about their personal sex lives, about making sure that resources are available for people who need help or guidance without using that as a way to try and change them into what you think they should be, it means making the campus a safe place for people to be honest. These are qualities that benefit people of all orientations and gender identities. To ensure that a campus is a safe place for asexuals, of course, doing education and out reach with students and staff is always helpful – including asexuality in SafeZones and staff training, screening the (A)Sexuality documentary, bringing in speakers, including “asexual” (or at the very least “other”) on forms where typically only “gay,” “straight,” and “bisexual” are listed as options. Ideally asexuality would be taken into consideration in these aspects the same way that, I hope, other LGBT and trans* issues are already being included in campus dialog.

5. What are some problem faced by the asexual community, and what is your advice for coping with these?

Many people who identify as asexual do not have people that they can be out to safely (or at least that is how they feel- and there are certainly a lot of negative coming out stories to justify concern) and not being out – particularly if you’re concerned that you wouldn’t be accepted if you were – can be a terrible feeling. Navigating relationships can seem daunting, if not impossible and I hear from a lot of people who identify as asexual who are afraid that they’re going to be alone forever. I think the best thing I can say is that they are not the only ones going through this, and while their own path won’t be identical to anyone else’s path they don’t have to entirely reinvent the wheel! There is a thriving community of asexuals who share how they came out to family and friends – what worked and what didn’t work, how they navigate their relationship(s) and how they deal with constant claims that their orientation must mean something terrible is wrong with them (and when you hear that often enough sometimes you start to believe it). Finding people who you can be open with is critical and in addition to on-line communities some larger cities in both the United States and Europe have social clubs where asexuals can get together without worrying about all the things you worry about when you’re around people to whom you’re not out (which are mostly the same things that everyone who is closeted worry about). Even if you don’t have a specifically asexual social group you can probably find a group in your area that specifically states that they welcome asexual members (LGBT orgs, BDSM groups, etc) and finding people you can be comfortable around to build up your confidence and comfort for being out can be a really great experience and help alleviate a lot of the fears that can be part of realizing you’re asexual.


*I saw a comment on line critiquing an unspecified post and while I don’t know if they were talking about this post, I felt like they could have been talking about this post and so I wanted to make a clarification: When I dispute that all asexuals are virgins it is not because I think it is bad to not be sexually active with a partner, it is because it is part of the same mentality that is used to disparage being gay, too. That lesbians are only lesbians because they haven’t had sex with men yet and how can gay men know they are gay if they’ve never had sex with women?  But we know there are many gay men who have had sex with women and lesbians who have had sex with men AND YET they still manage to continue to be gay, sadly their partner did not have magical genitals to turn them straight. Likewise, some aces are or have been sexually active without it changing their orientation. I absolutely do not think people have to be sexually active to identify as not feeling compelled to have partnered sex and I absolutely don’t look down on people who do not experiment with partnered sex (just remember to seek out some good resources before experimenting if you choose to, that’s all I ask!) 🙂

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It’s that time of year again!

Alright, it’s that time of year again when my curriculum page gets assigned to some college human sexuality courses. I’m going through and making some changes so if any of you have any great new posts from the last year that you think I should add to the curriculum just link it in the comments! I’ve got a short list that I plan to add but it’s impossible to keep up on everything so if you’ve got a hidden gem send it in!

Posted in Asexual, Asexuality, Awareness, education, queer, Sexuality | Leave a comment

What would you tell this person?

I received this e-mail a little over two weeks ago and we exchanged a couple e-mails about this but when someone feels alone I don’t think getting feedback from one person really solves that. With their permission I have posted their original letter and would like for others to post their responses – if you want to be available for that person to contact you you can either include your contact info below or you can e-mail your contact info to me and I can forward it to them in case they’d like to talk to you more.

I’ve redacted some information to help keep their anonymity though I think many people will read this and think “this could be me” or “this was me” because there are so many themes which I hear in almost every ace narrative. 


This might be one of the craziest, if not the stupidest, things I’ve ever done.

 I stumbled upon your website awhile back, and I’ve spent the last couple months reading it as well as a few other related sites.  And instead of feeling less confused, I’ve just been feeling more and more anxious. 

 I’ve been waiting for years for this switch in my brain to flip.  For half of my life really, since all of my friends started getting interested in guys and girls in Jr. High.  But it never has.  I’ve never felt the way my friends do about anyone. And it was easy enough to pretend I liked guys in High School.  And it wasn’t even that difficult to wiggle my way out of those questions about potential boyfriends and why I wasn’t having sex in college.  But since I’ve graduated, that’s all anyone talks about.  My friends want to know why I turn away every possible boy they suggest, and my family wants to know when I’m going to “settle down” and start my own family.  But I don’t know if I can do that.  I don’t know if I can actually pretend to like someone enough to go on one date with them.  Let alone do anything else.  I just don’t like people like that.  Not anyone.  I never have.  I’ve tried.  It just doesn’t work.  And it doesn’t make sense to me. But I don’t know what to say to them when they ask all of those questions.  They make [me] feel like something’s horribly wrong with me; I just don’t know how to fix it. 

 And it really hurts because I feel so lost but I can’t even talk to any of them about this.  All of my friends already talk about me like I’m some freak because I’m [mid-twenties] years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend.  And my family acts like I’m a disgrace because I haven’t married a nice cowboy and brought about any new grandchildren (like my [family members] who are [ ] younger [and] have even managed to do; getting married and having kids is a big deal in my family).  Every time I try to say that I’m happy just living by myself, they act like I’m missing God’s greatest gift to mankind.  But I don’t get what the big deal is about boys.  Or kissing.  Or sex.  It can’t be that great, can it? 

 I guess I don’t really have a clue what I’m doing.  I’m really not one for randomly e-mailing people I don’t know.  I’ve never felt so confused in my life, like the entire world is spinning out of control.  I’d think that reading about something that explains the last 12 years of experiences I’ve lived wouldn’t wreck such havoc on my mind.  Except it has.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life.  And I don’t think I’ve ever known less about myself. 

 And your blog says people can e-mail questions.  But I don’t even know what to ask.  I just desperately want to get out of this lost and confused place; it’s killing me.  And I want to know that there really is another person out there who doesn’t like people like that either. 



So there it is and here’s your chance to respond to them.

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Cleo mag looking to interview Female Australian Ace

My friend and former classmate Dr. Nikki Goldstein (some of you may remember her from when she tried to explain asexuality on her Morning Show segment – and I thought she did pretty ok considering who she was working with) was recently contacted by Cleo mag in Australia because they are looking to interview a female Australian ace. If you are interested in throwing your hat into the ring or even just getting more information you can contact Nikki at and she’ll put you in touch with the people at Cleo mag.

I don’t really know what kind of magazine Cleo is, I’m just sort of assuming that Australians will. 🙂


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This is your chance to effect what students in 4 human sexuality classes learn about #asexuality

Alright, so it’s that time of the semester again! My friend Justine is about to assign some asexuality-related work to the students in her human sexuality classes and asked me to put together some work. The work will take the place of one class period (that is cancelled) and homework for that period, as well as give them some talking points the next class. Justine is actually one of the few sexologists I know who is ace-positive and well educated on the subject so I am more than confident about her ability to discuss it with her class (as well as anyone can possibly discuss any sexuality-related subject with a group of undergrads… no offense, but there’s always a few… you know what I mean).

Last semester the work load was supposed to cover two consecutive classes which were canceled so I created Ace Curriculum 1.0 from which I got some valuable feedback about what worked and what didn’t work. Taking that feedback into consideration and adjusting for there only being one cancelled class this time I created Ace Curriculum 2.0.

The goals:

The Pre-Assignment Questions are designed to see where students are starting from and make the students put into writing what they think they already know (if a person already “knows” something that’s incorrect you have to unteach that before you can teach them new information – this is why it’s so problematic that we over-simplify concepts when we teach elementary students about historical events because then even if you teach them the real story in high school they are more likely to remember the over-simplified version they learned in elementary school. You can’t just overwrite information in the brain and it’s a hell of a hard time getting rid of bad data once it’s in there!). Unless a person realizes that what they are reading directly contradicts their preconceived notions and has to think critically about it the information goes in, realizes the place it should be filling in their brain is already taken by bad data and goes right out he other ear (no, seriously, if you passively intake data without consciously realizing you have contradictory ideas in your head you will most likely forget what you just read – it’s part of the confirmation bias effect). In an ideal world I would assign the pre-assignment questions and then get them back before the students proceeded to the rest of the curriculum so I could make adjustments accordingly but I don’t have that option here. On the plus side I do get to see some of the pre- and post- assignment assessments which helps me make adjustments for next time.

Next is the Notes about Language sheet, with this I’m hoping to preemptively  avoid some confusion (though they may actually find reading it first to be a little confusing… I’m hoping they will use it as a reference when they come across the examples in the reading assignment that made me feel the need to write it in the first place). I would be very open to suggestions about changes in phrasing etc.

Part 3 is a Crossword Puzzle which hopefully gives them a little introduction to what will be covered more thoroughly in the reading assignment and force them to at least skim some asexuality-related resources. The nice thing about assigning a crossword puzzle in place of a cancelled class is that it’s relatively self-guided. If the word doesn’t fit then they haven’t found the right answer so they can pretty well check their work as they go. Last semester I did the crossword puzzle clues in unrelated sentences but this time I decided to put them all together into paragraphs, consequently I feel some of the wording turned out a little wonky and I’d be open to suggestions for other ways of phrasing things.

The reading assignment right now is 24 pages long (mostly times new roman font, size 10-12, etc) and consists of the last 7 pages of a research paper, 6 AVEN Wiki entries, the option to read or watch Swank Ivy’s list of Top Ten misconceptions about Asexuality, an essay from an Ace-Ally in the Asexual Perspectives essay series, 2 blog posts each from different perspectives, and a 3 part article about how to be an ace-ally. My goal is to give a mix of impersonal clinical data as well as personal narratives from different perspectives from both aces and allies. I think I settled on a good mix but I’m open to concerns or suggestions.

I also included a “Suggested Resources” page since there’s no way I could assign all of my favorite essays, articles and blog posts – in fact this list will probably continue to grow throughout the week since I’m constantly realize “Oh, did I put *that one* on the list? How could I have forgotten it?!” Feel free to send messages or comments with links to other great materials.

And finally there’s a short set of reflection questions chosen to help me see changes in the way the students are thinking about their own labels as well as specifically their perspectives on asexuality.

Alright, so… if you find any problems from typos, to poor wording to something you think I should address in a different way (do I inadvertently make one opinion sound universal?do you feel I don’t represent you as part of the ace community? anything at all) please feel free to leave comments or send messages, either via the information on my contact page or via the anonymous dispute form.


Posted in Asexual, Asexuality, Awareness, education, Sexologist, Sexology, Sexuality | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

@Kirshizzle. The short answer is Yes. The long answer is still yes, full response here:

@Kirshizzle asked on twitter “does [being ace] affect your studies at all, just out of curiosity? (:”

That’s a very interesting question… On one hand I have the same requirements as everyone else, I watch the same videos, take the same classes, read the same required material etc. It has certainly influenced what I study outside of the requirements and where I have focused my research.

I admit to being totally naive when I started the sexology program. I was going to research sex education programs and probably never bother coming out as ace because it’s not a big deal, right? …. and then I attended my first class… The class was a SAR (Sexual Attitude Readjustment) program designed to be total immersion in being exposed to a variety of different expressions of sexuality. Except, in the entire all-day-every-day-for-7-days program I was never represented in anything they showed. I heard professors make misinformed comments about asexuality (which they only made in response to me bringing it up because asexuality wasn’t actually covered in the program at all) and I realized that many of my classmates weren’t familiar with the concept at all. This was pretty terrifying because these people are all going to go out and be sexologists, someone that people will come to for help relating to sexual health, sexuality, and relationships and they aren’t going to learn a damn thing about asexuality? Seriously? (The basic requirements for a certificate in sexology are two workbooks, some videos, and attending a SAR, the workbooks and the videos do not cover asexuality at all anywhere).

So being ace definitely effected where I felt I needed to focus my attention. Sex Education is a huge problem in this country and I have always been interested in ways to make it better (there are some really great programs out there I’d love to study and see about adapting to wider markets)… but realizing that the people who are teaching the next generation of sexologists are way behind in their understanding of asexuality is terrifying to me. The stories I hear from aces who went with a partner to see a helping professional to deal with relationship issues who had terrible experiences because the professional didn’t know anything about asexuality are heart breaking. Reading advise columns where an ace wrote in and got a flippant and misinformed response back are incredibly frustrating. Thinking about all of the kids who will grow up feeling broken because they won’t find out about asexuality because sex education materials for both kids and adults almost never cover asexuality maybe until they’re 21 (like I was) or older is depressing.

So while I look forward to broadening my understanding about the whole field of human sexuality for right now almost all of my non-required reading is research, blog posts, essays, articles and forums about asexuality (oh, and videos, too) so that I can try my best to figure out what is most important for ensuring people in the helping professions know about asexuality. I’m doing my best to answer questions (I get a lot, which is great!) or know where people can find the answers they’re looking for.

Other than that, as far as I know I’m the only ace in a sexology program (though I know there are aces studying asexuality in psychology and sociology fields, probably others as well) and I think it gives me a unique perspective on a lot of what we cover in class. I bring with me new ideas from the ace community like the concept of different types of orientations (or even just that it’s possible to be ace!).

If I wasn’t ace I probably wouldn’t have ever noticed what a huge problem it was that asexuality isn’t talked about (let alone taught) to most sexology students and I’d probably be studying sex education programs… so yes, I suppose being ace has effected my studies in that way.

Posted in Asexual, Asexuality, Awareness, sex school, Sexologist, Sexology, Sexuality | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What will @retlefnegniL write for the next @HOUSEonFOX Episode?

My Prediction:

It’s about a gay couple trying to adopt when suddenly one of them has a terrible cold! Of course poor sweet tolerant Wilson wants believe they are actually happily homosexual men but House won’t let him wear his Rose colored glasses for long! Through some series of surely hilarious events House proves that one of the men is actually only “gay” because his uncle molested him and his mother beat him causing him to be unable to have healthy relationships with women and so he turns instead to men while his partner is actually a pedophile who only partnered up with an adult so he could get his hands on some unsuspecting foster children! And this will be what Kath writes after doing “a lot of research” about homosexuals, of course, research that showed her that sometimes when people come out as homosexual, in stead of getting support or encouragement are accused of having been molest, are accused of being sick, disgusting and a pedophile and naturally she’ll want to encourage that by ensuring that all the portrayals of gay people on the show demonstrate how right that response is.

You can watch a video of Kath Lingenfelter talking about this episode of House here (or below if the embedding works properly…). She discussing the asexual-subplot from 2:17 until 4:15.

What do you think she’ll write next?

Posted in Asexual, Asexuality, Awareness, Coming Out, Pride | Tagged , , | 3 Comments