What would you tell this person?

I received this e-mail a little over two weeks ago and we exchanged a couple e-mails about this but when someone feels alone I don’t think getting feedback from one person really solves that. With their permission I have posted their original letter and would like for others to post their responses – if you want to be available for that person to contact you you can either include your contact info below or you can e-mail your contact info to me and I can forward it to them in case they’d like to talk to you more.

I’ve redacted some information to help keep their anonymity though I think many people will read this and think “this could be me” or “this was me” because there are so many themes which I hear in almost every ace narrative. 


This might be one of the craziest, if not the stupidest, things I’ve ever done.

 I stumbled upon your website awhile back, and I’ve spent the last couple months reading it as well as a few other related sites.  And instead of feeling less confused, I’ve just been feeling more and more anxious. 

 I’ve been waiting for years for this switch in my brain to flip.  For half of my life really, since all of my friends started getting interested in guys and girls in Jr. High.  But it never has.  I’ve never felt the way my friends do about anyone. And it was easy enough to pretend I liked guys in High School.  And it wasn’t even that difficult to wiggle my way out of those questions about potential boyfriends and why I wasn’t having sex in college.  But since I’ve graduated, that’s all anyone talks about.  My friends want to know why I turn away every possible boy they suggest, and my family wants to know when I’m going to “settle down” and start my own family.  But I don’t know if I can do that.  I don’t know if I can actually pretend to like someone enough to go on one date with them.  Let alone do anything else.  I just don’t like people like that.  Not anyone.  I never have.  I’ve tried.  It just doesn’t work.  And it doesn’t make sense to me. But I don’t know what to say to them when they ask all of those questions.  They make [me] feel like something’s horribly wrong with me; I just don’t know how to fix it. 

 And it really hurts because I feel so lost but I can’t even talk to any of them about this.  All of my friends already talk about me like I’m some freak because I’m [mid-twenties] years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend.  And my family acts like I’m a disgrace because I haven’t married a nice cowboy and brought about any new grandchildren (like my [family members] who are [ ] younger [and] have even managed to do; getting married and having kids is a big deal in my family).  Every time I try to say that I’m happy just living by myself, they act like I’m missing God’s greatest gift to mankind.  But I don’t get what the big deal is about boys.  Or kissing.  Or sex.  It can’t be that great, can it? 

 I guess I don’t really have a clue what I’m doing.  I’m really not one for randomly e-mailing people I don’t know.  I’ve never felt so confused in my life, like the entire world is spinning out of control.  I’d think that reading about something that explains the last 12 years of experiences I’ve lived wouldn’t wreck such havoc on my mind.  Except it has.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life.  And I don’t think I’ve ever known less about myself. 

 And your blog says people can e-mail questions.  But I don’t even know what to ask.  I just desperately want to get out of this lost and confused place; it’s killing me.  And I want to know that there really is another person out there who doesn’t like people like that either. 



So there it is and here’s your chance to respond to them.

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9 Responses to What would you tell this person?

  1. LMD says:

    I’ve never been much interested in dating. Never wanted to get married – not only because I’m asexual, but that’s a large part of it. Never ever ever wanted children. Luckily it’s not a big deal for most of my family. I’m closer to forty than thirty and have never changed my mind about these things, though recently as I’ve read about asexuality, I’ve become not just more relaxed about my situation but relieved that there are others out there who feel the same.
    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I wish there was something I could say to help other than you’re not a freak, not alone in feeling the way you do, and to tell you that even people who follow the expected life path of marriage and babies often end up miserable or still alone and miserable – happiness is not dependent on a lover or a spouse. You’re not destined to be unhappy because you’re different.
    Hang in there 😀

  2. Aydan says:

    I’m sorry you feel so lost and don’t have anyone you can talk to about this. You’re definitely not alone; there are many other people who just aren’t interested, and there’s nothing wrong with any of us.
    If you want someone to talk to, you’re welcome to email me. My email is greenchestnuts, at gmail.

  3. kaj says:

    You are okay. You don’t have to have sex/be in a relationship/date/whatever your friends seem to think will make you “okay” or “normal”. If you feel happy (outside of them pressuring you), then don’t worry about it. I’d advise reading Captain Awkward’s blog, as it’s pretty much amazing at helping people be okay with themselves and/or responding to pressures from friends/family. Maybe even submit a question. You’re okay. You’re not broken.

  4. Take some time to get to know yourself and think about what you truly want out of life. When it comes time to tell your family and friends, be honest; tell them you thought about for a long time and I’m sure they’ll understand. I think deep down they really care but just don’t understand. My family and friends are very much the same way but they are getting used to my asexuality (and printing out brochures helped too). Just remember that everyone is unique and has their own interests and needs in life. I would be delighted to spend the rest of my life with just my stuffed animal if it turned out that way. There’s nothing wrong with you, so there’s nothing to fix. You are wonderful in your own way! Hugs!

    If you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me from http://asexuallibrarian.wordpress.com/

  5. Pingback: Linkspam: August 24th, 2012 | The Asexual Agenda

  6. Alex says:

    I don’t know how much this will help but, you’re not the only one, you’re not missing anything, and you can have a fun, fulfilling life without a romantic-sexual relationship. You can contact me on tooyoungtoplaydead.tumblr.com if you want to!

  7. Seth says:

    That’s not crazy and stupid. Crazy and stupid would be ignoring your own desires merely for the sake of conforming to the expectations of others. I’m in my early 20’s, and I’ve never tried dating, either. Although, in my case, barring one isolated incident, I’ve never felt pressured to do so. I’m only recently starting to appreciate how unusual that is, and I think it’s partly why it took me so long to discover asexuality. When I finally did, I accepted it immediately.

    Anyway, it looks like you’ve already got a start on exploring the asexy blogosphere. Surfing the AVEN forums is also a good idea. There’s also the possibility of meeting people offline, and I think that might be especially beneficial for you. I, of course, have no idea where you live, but this map is a good place to start looking: https://maps.google.com/maps/ms?msid=218059011298551683250.0004c4612bbe3ac9cc260&msa=0&ll=31.952162,-49.746094&spn=81.369679,173.144531. I’m part of the PDX Aces group.

  8. Queenie says:

    Figuring out you’re asexual can be terrifying. I like to say that figuring out you’re asexual can be like training your entire life to do speed skating and then suddenly someone tells you that you’re actually participating in the javelin throw; GOOD LUCK AND DO GREAT OUT THERE, CHAMP. You were trained to expect to want one sort of life–settle down, get married, have 2.4 kids–and now you’ve realized that maybe you don’t want that at all; of course that’s terrifying and confusing.

    But you are not alone. That’s the most important thing to remember, and (sadly) the hardest to remember as well. You are not alone. Like other people have said, getting involved in an asexual community might help. Meet other aces in real life if you can (and want to). Find people who support you, whether they are asexual or not. No one should be treating you like a freak for any reason, so if your friends or family are giving you trouble for not dating/marrying/popping out babies, you might want to tell them, “Look, I am not interested in that, and I don’t appreciate you treating me this way,” and then give the relationship some space. (My mum has done the whole “you are a disgrace because you are not focused on marriage and babies” thing to me, so I can understand where you are coming from. Giving the relationship some space [well, several thousand miles of space] really helped.) If you feel up for it, print off some materials about asexuality. You don’t even have to explain to them; just hand them a couple of brochures and walk away (or leave them in a publicly visible place, if you want to be even less confrontational).

    I really hope things get better for you, and I, like many of the others here, am totally up for talking if you so desire.

  9. kimberley says:

    i can soo relate to you! I’m almost 23 and feel exactly the same. I really wish I had at least met one more asexual person in real life so that I could relate. It is very confusing because AVEN is great and i am so glad i have found the site, however that doesn’t stop the fact that every time you meet people in real life they don’t know about aven and asexuality. It is at the point where literally every day a conversation will come up about sex/ relationships and it makes me feel so isolated and uncomfortable. I really hope that I gradually learn to accept it and i absolutely cannot wait until the day i am able to tell people with ease and not care. if u want to email me my email is [redacted] 🙂

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